Today is the first day of my daily blog. I have no idea what this is going to become, but I expect it will evolve over time. God gave me this assignment last year. I set up the blog and then pressed pause. Then, last month, he gave me a strong push to start. NOW. So, I did. In my head. I really wanted to begin, but I have been in such a season of “rest” that I couldn’t find the energy to get started.
I almost erased/scratched out what I just wrote about being in a season of rest. That seems so ….wrong. So counterintuitive in a world where the only thing glorified is the hustle. It’s literally primetime and pruning season for every woman who has a dream. Yet, here I am…sitting my unemployed, yes-I-need-the-money, butt here talking about resting.
That’s pretty irresponsible, right?
Part of me feels that way. But a greater part of me says NO. A greater part of me has high respect for this woman I have become who finds such high value in the stillness of the season I am in. A season where I am still busy–though my ‘scheduled’ days may look like a whole bunch of unproductive, non-money-making activities to my former self (and the larger audience called the world).
But, this is a necessary space that I am in. One of growth. One of clarity. One of healing. One of breathing. Resting. Seeing. Feeling.
Things I didn’t do for the 30+ years that I was in survival mode–doing, achieving, producing, suffering, repressing, and depressing. Don’t get me wrong…there is so much beauty that came out of those first 46 years. I don’t take that for granted. However, the next 46 are about to be different. I have no idea exactly what that is yet. And for once in my life–I have peace….and even take comfort in not knowing. I’ve enjoyed this surrender process I am in. One where I don’t have to carry so much weight. (Cuz I’m tired boss!)
One where I’m learning to release all the things that make me feel insecure, unsure, unsafe, heavy, confused, sad, or stressed. One where I’m constantly having conversations like…
“Hi God, it’s me…your daughter Aprill. I don’t like the way XXXXX makes me feel. I’m unsure about XXXXX. Can you help me to see things differently?”
“Hi Daddy God…it’s me again. I’ve been thinking about what I want next. I’d really love XXXX. Can you make that happen for me? Please. If not this, then I know it will be something better. “
Surrender. That’s what it’s felt like. Deep surrender. For once not trying to force. To push. To dominate. To control. I am taking a step back because, not only do I want the next 46 years to look different, I want them to FEEL different. With more certainty. More grace. More ease. More flow.
So, I’ve had to slow down. Do the work He’s been revealing to me. Inner work. Lots of it. Just when I thought I’d arrived and already done enough, He showed me more. He told me to go deeper. Face more trauma. Heal more pain. Lots of it. LOTS. Because he’s doing a new thing in me. And it’s so expansive that mentally it takes up a lot of space. And energy.
So, this season of rest is necessary. It’s pruning me. Producing something…like in pregnancy. Stretching me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally to give birth to a new life. My new life. I’m trusting that God will connect all the dots. He hears me. He sees me. He knows the desires of my heart. And He will honor me. My obedience. My willingness to do things I have never done.
Like, write this blog. Sharing my intimate thoughts. My process. My life. The good. The bad. I have a feeling He’s calling me to be so transparent that it’s going to pain me. That’s why I have procrastinated starting this for so long. I let people see a lot of me…but now they get to SEE me. Unfiltered. Unedited. Stream of consciousness.
And so I am surrendering what I thought my path would look like to allow Him to show me a better way. I was so worried about losing time…falling behind. But then he reminded me…of His power. The power to collapse time. To speed things up. In my obedience, He will do in 10 days what can take others 10 years. So, I’m okay. We are okay. My family is ok. It is written. I decree it. Because my Father is all-powerful.
So I will enjoy my season of rest. I’m not sure if it will last 2 more weeks, 2 more months, or 2 more years. But I’ll enjoy it. And the process. In the meantime, I am officially publishing my first blog. And this was therapeutic for me. Reaffirming. Reassuring. I feel much better having written it. Apparently, these thoughts needed to come out–more for me than for you.
Before I go, allow me to ask you a question. What things have you been called to do that you’ve been putting off? God honors obedience! The very thing you are resisting doing is the very thing that will catapult you to your next level. Talk soon! XOXOXO
My mission is to help women overcome so that they can become. We possess the power to overcome anything that stands in the way of us living our best, most bold, most intentional life and becoming everything that we’ve ever desired for our lives. That comes with doing some work, but the work is where the magic happens. You have to show up, do the work and allow the magic to happen.
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Until next time, I leave you with light, love, and high vibrations! Toodles. Talk soon.
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